The Monopoly Game From Hell
by KaribbeanBloo
Summary: Sloth leaves Envy to babysit Wrath, but things get out of hand when Wrath suggests they play Monopoly...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Full Metal Alchemist...or Monopoly

**A/N** **I discovered that somebody already wrote a monopoly story about two days after I wrote this chapter...but I decided to go ahead with it anyway. Completely different characters, though...so I'm not plagarizing! This takes place right after Wrath hooks up with Sloth and Envy (which is around the 32nd episode) and they go on their merry way to see Dante**

**Envy: OH yes, Dante...what a lovely visit that will be.**

**Kari: Shut up, or I'll make sure you lose to Wrath**

**(Wrath climbs on lap) **

**Wrath: Can I have a cookie?**

**Kari: How about...cream soda?**

**(Envy pouts)**

"Envy," sang Wrath. "Envy, Envy, Envy, Envy!"

"What?" mumbled Envy, his face buried in a book.

"Will you play a game with me?"

"…NO."

"PLEASE!"

Sloth had gone out for…something, and abandoned the newly-created Wrath with Envy.

"I SAID NO!"

"Please?"

Wrath was hanging upside-down from the ceiling inches from Envy's face. He swung back and forth, punching the elder sin's shoulder lightly. Without taking his gave from the book Envy swatted him across the face so hard that Wrath lost his grip on the ceiling and fell. He flipped himself in midair like a cat and landed with all fours on the ground…but he didn't stay there for long. He sprang from one end of the room to the other, landing on top of the wardrobe, knocking over chairs, bouncing on the bed, balancing on the lamp with one hand. Envy didn't even blink.

"No." he replied, turning a page.

Wrath suspended himself from the curtains and put his face in Envy's.

"PLAY WITH ME!" he screamed.

Envy finally looked at him. With a sigh, he tossed his book into the corner and surveyed Wrath with his usual wicked grin.

"Alright," he said. "What do you want to play?" He hoped fervantly that Wrath would want to blow something up, or maim a few humans, or hunt the Elrics—something, _anything_ that would help him relieve the stress of babysitting Wrath.

Wrath looked shocked. "Um…I don't know."

"Well," Envy seized Wrath's shirt and pulled, bringing the curtains down with him. "Pick something, or I'll decide for you."

Wrath shuddered. Envy's games were no fun.

"M…m…monopoly!" Wrath stuttered finally.

Envy blinked, taken aback. "What the hell is monopoly?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Monopoly!" Wrath said, gesturing happily to the board, as if that explained it all.

Envy picked up the little metal thimble and examined it. "And what do we do, exactly?"

"Well, we go around the board and buy as much property as we can. If you land on another players spot, you have to pay them rent."

"Why?"

"That's how the game goes."

"What if I don't _want_ to pay you rent?"

"SHUT UP!" Wrath screamed. "Let me explain the game!"

Envy chuckled at his outburst.

"Whne you pass 'GO', you get $200. You can land on chance cards and the community chest, and you draw a card and do what is says. The first person to run out of money loses."

"This is the most ridiculous bunch of crap I've ever seen." Envy snarled, folding his arms over his barely clothed chest. "And I've seen a lot of crap in my four centuries. Like Greed."

"If you don't play, I'll tell Mommy you were mean to me." Wrath threatened.

"So!" Envy laughed. "Sloth can't do anything to me."

Wrath struggled to find a better threat. "I'll tell the others you sleep with a stuffed penguin!"

Envy gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

Wrath grinned; he had Envy cornered, he was going to get his way!

"Fine," Envy pouted. "I'll play!"

**Next chapter: The game gets going. Envy is the banker...but will he stay that way for long? Wrath takes control of the board and begins to dominate the game, but Envy can't stand for that! Will it come to blows? And what's wrong with the Chance cards?**

**A/N: I made up the stuff about Envy sleeping with a stuffed penguin**

**Envy: Good!...cuz I don't!**

**Wrath: I like cream soda, can I have more cream soda?**

**Envy: NO! DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM! He doesn't need more sugar!**

**Wrath: You can never have too much sugar!**

**(they fight over the bottle)**

**Kari:...it's gonna be a long summer...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, Monopoly, or Aquafresh

**A/N: This went a lot quicker than I thought it would, once I actually got started writing. It gets a little ridiculous at the end but all in all, I'm proud of it**

"I want to be the racecar!" shouted Wrath

"How 'bout…no!" Envy snatched up the car.

"Not fair!"

Envy smacked him. "Don't whine. It's perfectly fair—you're not old enough to drive. And you shouldn't expect things to be fair anyway. There isn't any situation where everyone comes out happy; somebody has to lose for another to win. That's how life works."

The wisdom of Envy's statement was lost on Wrath, who was busy playing with his toes. Sighing heavily, he returned to dealing out the money. Wrath took his without noticing that he was missing several 50s and 20s, and that Envy's pile of 100s was suspiciously thick…

"You can go first." said Wrath generously. Envy picked up the dice and rolled an 8; the little racecar landed on Vermont Avenue.

"You can buy it, if you want," Wrath told him.

"Why would I want to do that?" Envy gave him a condescending look. "It'd be a waste of money!"

"OK, well…then the other players bid for it, which is me, so…" He counted his money. "I think I'll bid two dollars…"

"Wait, what?"

"You're right, that's too much…one dollar than." Wrath calmly placed his dollar in the bank.

"But what if I want to bid for it?" complained Envy.

"You had a chance to buy it!"

"For one hundred dollars!"

"Yes, well, you gave it up."

"I don't think that's right…" While Envy was preoccupied with reading the rules, Wrath seized the opportunity to pilfer money from the bank.

They continued moving around the board in silence for awhile, buying up every piece of property they could. By the time Wrath landed on Boardwalk on his second time around, he was practically broke, with all of sixty-five dollars to his name. However, he couldn't stand to let Envy bid for it.

"Hmmm…" he said, thinking.

"You don't have enough money," Envy proclaimed, looking bored and disinterested. The bulk of his fortunes were still largely intact, not because he hadn't bought any property, but because he had been paying with the bank's money without Wrath noticing.

Wrath sighed. "You're right, I don't. So…" He seized the lamp and transmuted the metal with his arm to make a gun.

"Nobody move!" he shouted theatrically. "This is a stick-up!"

Envy looked amused. "Do tell." Wrath brandished his hand-turned-gun in Envy's face.

"Gimme money." Wrath demanded.

"And if I refuse?" asked Envy softly.

**BANG!** With his other hand Wrath pulled the trigger and put a bullet straight through Envy's brain. He gave a soft "Oh…" of surprise and collapsed gracefully to the floor.

Downstairs…

"What was that?" murmured Sloth, who was "otherwise engaged", shall we say, with none other than Roy Mustang.

Roy shuddered and fervently hoped that Hawkeye had not gotten wind of where he was and what he was up to.

When the bullet had come out of his head and the damage had healed (think Wolverine from X-Men 2), Envy came back to himself. He opened his eyes to see Wrath cackling evilly over a handful of stolen money.

"Your turn, Envy" he chuckled.

"Bastard," muttered Envy. "I'll show you." He whipped out a sheet or orange construction paper, some scissors, and a black pen (and where he kept all this, we'll never know) and hastily created some new Chance cards while Wrath counted his money. Then, wasting no time, he stuck them on top of the pile, rolled, moved, and replaced the normal dice with loaded ones, so Wrath would be sure to land on Chance.

"Your turn, Wrath."

Wrath failed to notice that the dice were different color. He rolled an eight and moved right into Envy's trap.

" 'Run through the halls screaming "MANGO"' " he read aloud. " 'When you're done, draw another card.' That's pretty strange…"

"Well, what are you waiting for?" demanded Envy, grinning. "Get to it."

Wrath bounced out the door and began to run, screaming "MANGO, MANGO, MANGO…"

"Mango!" said Roy Mustang downstairs, in the middle of role-playing as a scantily-clad mango salesman. "Would you like a mango, miss?"

Sloth giggled. "What's your price?"

"MANGO, MANGO, MANGO!" shouted Wrath as he ran past their door. Mustang stuck his head into the hall and frowned after him, assuming that the kid had been listening at their door.

"Who was that?" Sloth asked.

"Just some weird little kid," he replied, slamming the door.

Meanwhile, back in the room, Envy was watching the National Spelling Bee on ESPN2.

"C'mon kid!" he shouted. "Everyone knows how to spell 'defecaloesiaphobia'!"

Wrath darted in the door and slammed it, narrowly escaping the clutches of the concierge.

"NO! How could you miss that!" shouted Envy, throwing goldfish at the TV screen. "Wrath, don't forget, you have to draw another card."

It read:

"Have a toothpaste war with your opponent."

"Hey, wait a minute…" Comprehension dawned in the land of Wrath.

"There's some in the bathroom," called Envy, glued to the TV.

"…I recognize this handwriting. IT'S YOURS!"

"Hmmm…" Envy looked over the card. "Why, so it is. Fancy that."

"You can't make Chance cards!" protested Wrath.

"Does it say in the rules that you can't?"

Wrath rushed to the bathroom and seized the tube of toothpaste, which he promptly began to empty onto Envy's hair.

"WRATH!" shrieked Envy. "STOP!"

Wrath laughed maniacally and shoved the tube into Envy's face. He squeezed, getting toothpaste all over Envy's head and shoulders.

"YOU GOT TOOTHPASTE IN MY NOSE!"

"Toothpaste! That gives me an idea!" Roy Mustang heard them shouting in the room above and his insanity kicked in. He climbed out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, abandoning the fire, bologna, and Sloth. She sighed, and reflected that, while Mustang clad only in a pair of socks was definitely more than sexy, there was such a thing as being too kinky.

Five minutes later, Wrath and Envy lay gasping on the floor, having exhausted 10 tubes of toothpaste. The room smelled sickeningly of Aquafresh.

"Never…again…" panted Wrath.

"It's not coming out of my hair!" moaned Envy.

"This was really dumb."

Silence.

"Envy, it's your turn."

Envy dug around in a pile of toothpaste till he located the dice…and rolled.

**A/N: So...how should it end? Who should win? You decide (cuz I honestly have no idea)**

**The whole thing with Sloth and Mustang...yeah, that was unplanned. Once I got the idea I spent like 10 minutes deciding who it would be.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, Monopoly, or Advil

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long, guys! I had orchestra camp and then I had to babysit my sisters and I went to Tampa and yeah...whole lot of crap!**

**I forgot to mention in the chapter before, **defecaloesiaphobia **is the fear of painful BMs...and I have no idea how I found that out.**

**Enjoy!**

In his four centuries of life Envy had lived through a lot of pain, discomfort, annoyance, guilt, and physical and mental trauma. None of it compared to what he was experiencing now.

"YOU CHEATED!" screamed Wrath. "YOU CHEATED YOU CHEATED YOU CHEATED!"

Envy covered his ears with his gloved hands and curled up in the fetal position. His head felt like somebody was beating on his skull with a dull ax. Yes, my friends, he had a headache, but not just any headache. This was the atomic motherload of all headaches—not even extra-strength Advil was making it go away.

_My God, how long can he keep this up?_ Envy thought to himself. _It's been ten minutes already._

"YOU CHEATED YOU CHEATED YOU CHEATED YOU CHEATED!"

"**I'M SORRY!"** shouted Envy in an act of desperation. "How much do I owe you?"

Wrath shut up. He examined the deed card to Mediterranean, counted up the number of hotels, examined some more, totaled it up on a calculator and announced:

"You owe me $3,492.65."

"WHAT!" Envy exclaimed. "THAT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY!"

"**GIMME MY MONEY! GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME!"**

Envy hurriedly shoved some money into Wrath's hands.

"THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT!"

"**SHUT UP ALREADY!"**

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the monopoly game was still going strong. But not without consequences to our hero! For while Wrath was still hyperactive as ever, poor Envy was beginning to wear out. Dark shadows had appeared under his eyes, his skimpy clothing was torn and ripped, and unidentifiable food products were tangled in his brackish hair.

"Please, Wrath…" he begged. "Can't we just quit now?"

Wrath sucked in air, filling his lungs for what was looking to be another screaming fit. Envy quickly shoved a sock in his mouth.

"OK, we'll keep playing. It's your turn, ya know."

Wrath hummed a senseless tune (that strangely resembled "My Humps", causing Envy's headache to double on the spot) and rolled the dice. He moved around the board, counting the spots until he discovered he was supposed to land on Chance again…which was booby trapped. It looked like he was stuck…

But wait! Envy wasn't paying attention! Quick as anything he moved the extra space without the elder Sin noticing to land on…Park Place!

"I think I'll buy it…" he said. "With the money you so generously gave me."

Envy stopped cradling his aching head to gape at Wrath. "What the fuck…?"

"OOOOOO! I'm telling Mommy!"

Envy backhanded him across the mouth. "Shut up, brat! You can't buy what I already own!"

"You don't own Park Place!" shouted Wrath.

Envy flinched at the loud noise but held his ground. "Yes I do!"

"DO NOT!"

"YES I DO!" He dug through the pile of toothpaste sodden deeds in search of it, Wrath hanging over his shoulder.

"See!" he said triumphantly, waving a wrecked card in Wrath's face.

"That's not the deed to Park Place!"

"Yes, it is!" Envy protested.

Wrath began digging through the pile of money and cards that was once the bank, searching to prove Envy wrong.

"Can't find it, can you?" sneered Envy, pulling a piece of candy out of his hair and sticking it in his mouth.

"I know this isn't it!" Wrath jumped on top of him and wrenched the card from Envy's grasp.

"You can't even read this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't have to be able to read it to know it's Park Place!" Envy snarled, pulling Wrath's hair. "See the color?"

Wrath punched Envy in the face and tore out clumps of his green hair. Envy, pinned beneath the younger boy, spat into his face.

"Is that the best you've got?" he laughed, using an incredibly annoying cliché that nevertheless infuriated Wrath.

"I would punch you in the balls but you don't have any!" Wrath screeched.

Envy's eyes widened in shock. "OH, IT'S ON!"

He seized Wrath's arms and twisted, dislocating both of his shoulders. With a howl of rage, Wrath slammed his head down into Envy's jawbone, shattering it and his jaw. Envy, not to be outdone, grabbed his shirt and threw him across the room, where he landed on top of the table.

Envy was on his feet in an instant, his wounds already healed, and crossed the room at lightning speed, landing on top of the table like a monkey. He dugs his fingers into Wrath's chest and scraped deep gouges into his flesh like some sort of wild animal. Wrath grabbed his neck and tried to throttle him, while Envy beat his head against the table.

"What the hell is going on up there!" Roy paused, hanging in mid-air over Sloth's half-clothed form. She gasped for breath, taking advantage of his sudden ADD to regain her wind. From above them they could hear feral screaming, and then howls of shock and the splintering of wood.

"AHHHHH!" Envy shrieked, landing punches on every inch of Wrath's body, who had bitten through Envy's collar bone in an attempt to rip out his throat.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" he screamed, tearing out clumps of hair and what felt suspiciously like a tongue.

"Oh no…" Sloth murmured. "I know that voice…"

"Say what, baby?" whispered Roy. She pushed him unceremoniously off of her and climbed out of bed.

"I have to go," she said, struggling to get back into her dress. "If that's what I think it is, those two are in for a world of trouble…" A small foot with an ouroboros tattoo punched through the ceiling, followed by a bellowed: "ENVY, YOU SON OF A…"

Weapons now came into play, in the form of the curtain rod (Envy) and the book Envy discarded (now in Wrath's hands) entitled _I Killed Him and I'd Do It Again_. They were beating each other unmercifully; Envy had already impaled Wrath 4 times and Wrath had succeeded in breaking Envy's kneecaps and giving him numerous paper cuts.

Suddenly, Envy had an idea. A wicked, awful, clever idea. Wasting no time, he seized the abandoned curtains and jumped Wrath, ignoring the blows to the head. He quickly beat him into submission with several blows to the head and proceeded to bundle him up in a straight-jacket-like mass of curtain, tied closed with bed sheets. Last, but not least, he picked up the ripped remains of the cloth that hung around his waist and shoved it into Wrath's mouth.

"HA!" he crowed. "I WIN!"

"What the hell happened here!" screamed Sloth.

She was standing in the doorway, which was missing the door, which had gotten ripped off by Wrath in an attempt to flatten Envy beneath it.

"Um…" said Envy sheepishly. "Funny that you should ask…"

"Really, just what was going on here?"

"Why do you smell like…burnt salami?" Envy asked. "And why is your hair messed up…and why is your dress stained…"

Wrath spat out the gag. "It was the best, Mommy! We played Monopoly! And Envy won but still!"

Sloth smiled. "So you had fun?"

"YES!" he shouted. "I want Envy to babysit me every time!"

Envy snorted. "You wish, kid." He stretched, and got to his feet. "Well, I'm outta here. Places to go, people to kill…" and he bolted out the door and down the stairs before Sloth could catch him.

"I'm gonna go play with Envy some more, ok Mommy?" Wrath burst free of the curtains and ran out of the room, calling "Wait for me, Envy!"

"Now wait a second!" shouted Sloth. "Who's going to clean up this mess!"

* * *

**A/N: Ok, I think I could have done a lot better with this ending...I just basically wrote the story and I didn't go back and edit it like I normally do (any of it) so I think maybe that has something to do with it because I know this is not my best work...but at least there's closure**

**Wrath: I don't like it! Change it!**

**Envy: Yes...the sweet taste of victory!**

**Many thanks to all who reviewed to tell me how it should end (all 2 or 3 of you, I really appreciated it), and to Shonen Shoujo Kid, who gave me an idea for some dialogue,and kudos to Ashes for helping me come up with the idea for the ending (and yes, I promise I will work on the other stuff for when you come over)**

**Hope you liked it! Reviews are welcome!**

**Adieu!**


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